I was sitting in a meeting room helping put together a QBR for a hotel client…

Okay, truthfully I was looking at my phone because I was tired of watching other people put together a 50+ slide QBR deck that was 40+ slides too long, in my mind. But, I didn’t wanna ruffle any feathers, so I was quiet unless asked a question. I hadn’t been, so far. So, out came the phone.

Then, I was asked a question: “Jamar, what do you think of this slide?”

I looked up, took note of the KPIs, and asked in return: “why is this slide even important enough to share?”

“Well,” came the reply, “we always report on impressions, and their impressions are up.”

“But their bookings are down, so why would they care about increased impressions?”

I stopped being invited to QBR strategy sessions after this exchange.

You Mad, Bro?

Fuck Google. Fuck Bing. Fuck Yahoo. Fuck impressions. Fuck traffic. Fuck E-A-T. Fuck best practices.

I have one responsibility as a digital marketer: create wallet orgasms.

Yeah, it’s a crude way to think about it, but it’s true. My only job is to create pleasurable experiences for internet users on my client’s websites that entice those users to complete a transaction. That transaction can be an app download, a product purchase, a SaaS subscription signup. Whatever earns my client money.

Everything else is bullshit or vanity metrics.

Fuck Vanity Metrics

Why do you give a shit about impressions, traffic, social shares, or other vanity metrics? If you’re like me, it’s because that’s what you were taught to monitor early in your career by a digital marketer who was taught to monitor those metrics early in their career. Let’s break down why these metrics are just pure fucking vanity.

Impressions – All this means is someone saw your shit. Okay, and?!? Getting a website additional impressions is cool, but just cuz someone saw the post/website/ad doesn’t mean they interacted with it

Traffic – Okay, we’re a bit closer to a real metric, but still far enough that this is bullshit, too. Clicks on a link or ad can bring users to a client website, but if the site isn’t helpful, users will bounce

Social metrics – I don’t wanna degenerate social media, cuz I’m fucking in love with Twitter, but you really shouldn’t care about social metrics unless they turn into trackable transactions. Use social media to build your brand, yes. Use it to share your content, sales/promotions, contests, and other fun things you do. But, please do fucking share these metrics UNLESS YOU CAN SHOW HOW MUCH MONEY THEY’VE MADE. I currently have 765 Twitter followers. But, only 20-30 of them actively interact with me and the content I share, so that’s my real follower base. You see why I’m calling bullshit on this metric?

Creating Wallet Orgasms

I can hear some of y’all out there asking about startups. “What if our client doesn’t have a conversion-ready website and/or a product/service to sell.”

Then our job as marketers is to increase their transactions. Waitlist sign-ups. Email sign-ups. Whatever makes it easier for your clients to communicate with interested users and eventually convert them to paying users.

Even then, vanity metrics are bullshit.

Report on them if your clients want to see them, but please, don’t make them a staple of your QBRs and other reports. No one wants to see our extra slides. They wanna see the tactics and strategies we said we’d implement and the direct impact they’ve made on their bottom line. If all we have are vanity metrics to report, we haven’t done our jobs, and we deserve to get fired.

Don’t wanna get fired? Focus your QBRs

If you aren’t doing QBRs for your clients, please, start right now.

QBRs should focus on the following:

  1. How much money your strategies made for the client
    1. Conversions (Landing pages, CTA buttons, ads, etc)
    2. Assisted conversions (Social, blogs, email, etc)
  2. What strategies you’re going to implement in the next quarter to increase your client’s revenue
  3. Upcoming anticipated changes on the client’s end in the next quarter

That’s it. That’s the list. QBRs need to be short, pithy, and to the point. We need to report what matters, not what we have. There is a big difference.

Always ask, “why does the client need to see this data?” Cut anything they don’t need to see, and don’t ask to see.

If you use a project management system like Asana, they have a great template you can use to build your client QBRs.

KISS

You’d never know it by my RBF and terrible poker face, but I used to be an actor. An important acronym you learn as an actor is K.I.S.S. It stands for Keep It Simple, Stupid.

Your motions, your emotions, your facial expressions, your tone: keep it all simple. No two audience members will read your facial expressions as the same emotion. You need to keep it simple so that enough of them understand that the tone of the scene and the intricate emotions are understood.

The same goes for data reporting. Keep it simple, stupid.

…wallet orgasm has no chance to catch on, does it?